You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
