Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
