When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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