she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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