Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize
