I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
