my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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