I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
