Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Sorry about my life...
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
