The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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