I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
You are the jesus of drinking
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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