My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
