I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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