What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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