I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
