in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
