i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
