I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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