hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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