Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
