I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
