I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
