I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
