The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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