If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
