I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize