if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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