Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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