true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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