does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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