She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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