fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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