I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Randomize
