i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Randomize
