Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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