you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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