do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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