I just threw up on my dentist
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
