I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
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