i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
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