I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
