PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
