maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
