Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
