dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
