imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Can vaginas get frostbite?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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