can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Randomize
