Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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