you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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