If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Randomize
