If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize