at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
