Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
