Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
