I'm jealous of your bromance
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
