you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
