I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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