My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
